The Hidden Cost of Leadership
Part 1 - Loneliness
When you first think about being a leader, you imagine yourself standing on a stage somewhere, smiling like a guy from a toothpaste commercial, holding a mic, and saying things like:
"We did it, team. Together. All of us. High five."
What nobody tells you is:
Half the team already unfollowed you.
A quarter thinks you're a sellout.
And the rest are secretly hoping you trip on the mic cord.
Welcome to leadership.
Loneliness in leadership is not like regular loneliness we see in different aspects of our lives. It is not the “I’m bored, let’s hang out” type of loneliness. It is more like “I’m carrying stuff I can’t even explain without needing a PowerPoint, a legal disclaimer, and a therapist” loneliness. You are surrounded by people… and yet somehow, it is just you and your thoughts at 2 AM.
Signs You’re Experiencing Leadership Loneliness:
You start having full conversations with yourself... and somehow you’re losing the arguments too.
You ask for advice and realize nobody else was paying attention because they were too busy ordering DoorDash.
You think about texting someone to talk... and then realize you’d have to explain the last six months of context just to make it make sense.
You’re weirdly jealous of interns who clock out at 5 PM with zero existential dread.
Why does this happen
Loneliness happens in leadership because you stop operating at the level of tasks and start operating at the level of burdens.
Tasks are simple:
Show up
Do the thing
Clock out
Burdens are a little different. They live in your chest. Burdens are when you start caring about things that nobody else even notices, yet. You see problems before they explode.
You feel tensions before they turn into emails that start “per my last message.” You think about risks and possibilities that others cannot and or will not deal with.
Leadership also stretches your awareness.
(Research backs this up; leadership roles increase cognitive load. Your brain is balancing long-term strategy, relationships, team emotions, risk management, and personal integrity all at once.
And the higher your awareness rises, the fewer people are up there with you.
This is not because you are better, more anointed, or gifted.
But because most people (smart, kind, and capable people) choose comfort over responsibility when push comes to shove.
It's easier to stay in the crowd and complain about the game than to step onto the field and take the hits.
You stepped onto the field.
That’s why it feels like you’re bleeding alone sometimes.
You are.
What You Can Do About It
1. Stop waiting for the crowd to catch up.
Despite the common misconception, leadership is not democracy. It is not a popularity contest. It’s seeing where things need to go, and walking there even if you look insane while doing it.
Abraham Lincoln said it best: “To stand in silence when they should be protesting makes cowards out of men." Same thing when you're leading.
2. Build a life outside the leadership bubble.
You need people who:
Don’t care about your title.
Don’t need you to be “on.”
Would still show up for you if you lost it all tomorrow.
If your whole identity is leadership, you're not leading.
You're performing.
3. Return to the real mission.
You didn’t start leading because you wanted a fan club.
You started because you believed something mattered enough to protect, fight for, and build.
When the loneliness hits, don’t numb it.
Don't chase new applause.
Get quiet.
Remember the hill you were willing to die on.
And if you’re still willing?
Get back up and lead again.
Final Thought
Loneliness in leadership is not failure. It’s friction. It’s the natural byproduct of moving when others stay still.
Of seeing when others look away. Of carrying when others drop their end of the rope.
Nobody climbs mountains in crowds.
And nobody stays on top of mountains without scars.
If you feel lonely, congratulations.
You’re paying the hidden cost most people never even knew existed.
And you’re building a life that can actually hold the weight you asked God to give you.
Keep climbing.
It’s lonelier at the top, but the view is worth it.
